2019 – The year of fear or faith??
I love times of reflection, looking back on a period of time and recognizing how far you’ve come is something I love doing, not only because hindsight is 20/20 but because I feel like it gives me a certain sense of faith and trust in the Universe when I can look back and realize that life always has a funny way of working itself out.
As we roll in to a new year it is the perfect time for many of us to reflect, and for me, I realized that 2019 was a massive year for my family and I. There was a lot of change, a lot of uncertainty, and the potential to spend a lot of time in fear wondering how everything would work out. Lucky for me, I try not to let fear control me anymore, although, I had to work really hard to ensure my mindset didn’t slip in to those old patterns again, which is exactly why I feel like this was such a big year for me. I could either choose to live in fear, or I could choose to live in faith.
Let me start from the beginning of the year, and please know that some of these examples I share might seem silly to you, because to be honest, in hindsight, some of them silly to me now too, but at the time, these were real fears, real struggles that I had to surrender to the universe and simply trust that everything would work out just fine.
In February of 2019 we moved back to town after selling our home on the outskirts and settled in a rental house while we searched for our forever home. This same month, our middle daughter also got her full drivers license. Both of these scenarios were great for our family. Moving meant my son was closer to his friends, I was closer to work and all of us were excited about the change. This was the beginning of my faith challenge as the move meant my sons bus no longer picked him up at the end of the driveway, he now had a 10 min walk every morning just to get to his stop.
In hindsight, I agree this worry seems silly, I mean, its second nature now and I don’t give it another thought, but at the time, I had gone from watching both my kids get on their school busses each morning knowing they would get to their final destination, to both of them leaving the house, one to walk to his stop, the other to drive herself, not knowing for certain if they got to school ok. It’s hard not to worry about these new adventures in your kids life, part of me would love to keep them in a bubble safe from harm, but I know they have there own journeys to take part in and me holding their hands every step of the way is only necessary for a very small part of that. I had to remind myself that worrying about them wasn’t going to make them any safer, and I had to trust that they too are always being guided and cared for by the Universe.
Fast forward a few months to April and hubs and I find our dream home on the lake. I wrote a whole blog about that back in the summer but to quickly sum up, we find a home, fall in love, make an offer and all of a sudden 4 more offers come out of the woodwork. FOUR!!! Damn house had been on the market for over a month with no bites, I swear if you ever need your house sold just have hubs and I come and show interest in it, guaranteed an offer generates shortly after.
*sigh, I digress.
Clearly this was not the first time this had happened to us and the previous 4 times we found ourselves in this situation we were not aggressive enough with our offer and ultimately we ended up back on the hunt.
Now y’all know me by now and know that I am a firm believer in if something doesn’t work out it is only because the Universe has something better in store for you, but this is a hard mentality to hold on to when you feel like you’re constantly getting let down. I had to believe that this situation would be no different and trust that if our offer wasn’t accepted it was because there was a more amazing house on the lake waiting for us, even though I really really wanted this one!! The day the 5 offers were being presented I literally went to work and had an out loud conversation in my car with the universe that went something like this.
“OK Universe, today’s the day we find out if our offer is accepted, although I will likely still be disappointed if we don’t get this house I do trust in your plan for us and will know deep down it is for the best. I surrender this to you to take care of from here.”
Sounds a little kooky but hey, have you met me???
And that was it. I surrendered it to the universe and knew that no amount of stressing, panicking or worrying would change the outcome. The best part is, not only did we get the house, we found out afterwards that we were the lowest offer, but we had a quick close date and no conditions and it sealed the deal.
Moving right along we roll into summer, and my son, who has just turned 12 just wants to ride his bike to school. I struggle with letting go, especially with my baby, but I love his independence and his enthusiasm so I agree. Distance wise it’s about 3 km from our house to the school, he would have to cross over a fairly busy highway that doesn’t have crosswalks, and ride down a windy hill that has no sidewalks. Talk about testing my faith.
We do a couple trial runs, yes, I said it. Trial runs, meaning, for a couple nights I let him ride his route to school on his bike while I slowly followed in my car, pulling over randomly to watch him in my rearview mirror catch up, making sure he’s using proper bike safety and randomly yelling out the window things like “YOU DIDN’T EVEN LOOK BOTH WAYS BACK THERE”. Or “WAAAAAAYYYY TOO FAR ON THE ROAD. TIGHT TO THE SHOULDER, TIGHT. TO. THE. SHOULDERRRR”
Sure it sounds funny now, but this was a big step for both of us and a huge responsibility for him that I wasn’t about to let him take lightly.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t worry. I’m still a mom, I will always worry about my kids, but I can’t let my fear stifle their growth either. I made him text me every day when he got to school so I knew he was safe, and the days those texts didn’t come through I calmly drove to the school before work just to make sure I could see his bike locked up in the yard, you know, for peace of mind!!
Just because I have faith doesn’t mean I don’t go out of my way to release my fears. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.
And then, just as I’m getting comfortable with this whole letting go thing and being so proud of watching my kids grow up to be pretty incredible humans, our oldest daughter tells us she wants to travel the world, buy a one way ticket to Australia and see where life takes her over the next year or so.
Oh c’mon Universe. For real????
Ugh, if it was your kid, I would be able to see the excitement, adventure, courage, and independence this brings to a 22 year olds world. But it’s not your kid, it’s mine, and although I was more than supportive, I was not all that gung ho to watch her leave. For at least a year. Half way around the world.
My fear mind was running ramped with this one, although now that I think of it, I’m not so sure it was fear for her, She’s a smart kid and has such a good head on her shoulders, I knew deep down she was going to be fine and about to embark on the experience of a lifetime. I’m beyond proud of her and what she’s created for herself. I think what I was feeling was a fear of change. And this was a big one. All my babies are growing up, but when I realize that that’s a privilege denied to many, I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to watch them spread their wings.
Rolling in to fall we see 2019 slowly coming to an end but the world doesn’t stop turning just because we’ve had our fair share of growth already. Our landlord tells us he has decided to list our rental home up for sale and gives us till April to find something else and move out and if that’s not enough, to bring 2019 to the ultimate end, Hubs and I decided to sell the restaurant.
This restaurant was our fourth child, and shamefully said, it got the most attention out of all our kiddos. Well, maybe not the most attention, but it has been a staple in all our lives for the last 8 years and it took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears not to mention an enormous amount of time and care to make it the success it’s become. And just like the kids, It has become something I am incredibly proud of as well as something I’m struggling to let go of too, this “baby” proves to be no different. When hubs decided to take on this venture 9 years ago everyone thought he was nuts, including myself, but he’s the visionary of the two of us and not once in the 11 years we’ve been together have I ever doubted his direction or his ability to see the bigger picture. Ownership changed hands December 20, 2019 and although I am staying on in my role within the restaurant going forward, this change as a whole brings a lot of new adventures to the horizon for us that I am more then excited to explore.
So here we are, 1 week in to 2020 and I couldn’t even predict what kind of possibilities are going to present themselves for us this year. I joke that 2020 is shaping up for us to be unemployed and homeless but surprisingly I have never been so calm about this level of uncertainty in my life. I have no idea what we are going to create this year, I don’t know where we will end up living, woking, I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but what I do know is that I am not afraid. If the last year has taught me anything it’s that worrying will not make my situation any better, that the Universe does in fact have my back in more ways then one, and that the best way to move through life is with faith, not with fear.
So bring it on 2020, a new year, a new decade, a whole new world of possibilities. I surrender my fears, my doubts, my uncertainties to you. Show me what else is possible for us that I have never even considered. I have absolute faith that this will be the best year we have so far!