Last week I wrote about tearing down our walls and I was blown away with the response I received from all of you. I am so incredibly grateful for all the post likes, the shares and your heartwarming comments, it means more to me then you even know.
All this love and gratitude however, also seemed to be accompanied with a little confusion as well. Messages pouring in with comments like “Thank you Jenn, but HOW to we tear these walls down?” And “What if your walls are too solid and not ready to come down, then what?”
These are all legit questions and I realized although I shared with you the process of loving with all of your heart and the importance of letting your guard down, I realized I might have been a little vague with how to actually approach this in the first place.
So here goes, Let me just start by saying, this is a very delicate process and one that does not happen over night. It takes time, and effort, and the willingness to be vulnerable with yourself and really look at the emotions you are feeling along with the emotions you are trying to protect yourself from.
For me, as I mentioned last week, I realized a lot of my walls during the unraveling of my marriage. I’m sure I was aware of them much sooner then that, but ultimately, working towards rebuilding a marriage that I was certain was broken beyond repair is pretty much what forced me to stop hiding and really feel what it was that I was hiding from.
When I was able to push my anger aside, take a step back from my sadness, and really look at what I was feeling, I realized that it was fear. It was a hard truth to come to terms with, but what I was able to acknowledge was that I was afraid I loved my husband more than he loved me, I had to protect myself because I had already decided he was going to hurt me far before it even happened.
Now, because I’m a stubborn, hard headed, independent woman, there was no way in hell I was ever going to let my husband know this was how I was feeling. I couldn’t show that weakness, I couldn’t be that honest, so I protected myself by pushing him away, my mentality was that if he doesn’t really know how much I actually care for him then he can’t ever hurt me. How’s that for brilliant?!!
It wasn’t until I came to this realization, when I allowed myself to get really real and raw with my own emotions, that I was able to tear down the walls one by one and really look at where it all stemmed from. If we don’t really know what the walls are protecting us from we can’t even begin to tear them down.
Often times it is simply acknowledging why we have built the walls in the first place that help us towards our healing.
It’s kind of like peeling the layers back of an onion, slowly but surely, the more work you do the closer you get to the root of the problem. At the core of my walls, buried deep inside under all the armour I had guarded my heart with, was what I believe to be at the root of most of our problems. I didn’t love myself enough.
There it was, underneath all of the heartache, the fear, the doubt, the betrayal, underneath all the shit was my most profound realization. It wasn’t that I loved my husband more then he loved me, it was that I loved my husband more then I loved myself.
Holy Shit. That’s it. That’s what it was. I think at that point I pretty much loved everyone in my life more then I loved myself. I lacked passion, connection, drive, all because I thought so little of myself I didn’t even give myself a chance to thrive.
I had lost my desire for life, for living, all because I didn’t give myself the same love and respect that I so willingly gave to everyone else. So the million dollar question is, HOW do you begin to start loving yourself then?
I love myself by surrounding myself with people who make me laugh, who lift me up and bring me joy. I love to joke around and be sarcastic while being loving and creating connection too. I make time for the people who make me smile just by thinking of them and I steer clear of the people, old friends or not, who make me feel uneasy and heavy.
You know the kind of people I’m talking about, the ones who you really do love so dearly, but they are such a freaking bummer to be around that you literally feel drained and exhausted just after a short visit. I don’t allow myself to be in that company anymore because It only drains me of my own energy and lowers my vibration making me more susceptible to picking up on their misery.
I also love myself by cancelling plans, or not cancelling plans, whatever the case may be. I decline events often. Not to be rude or because I think I’m better, that’s not the case at all. For me, I hate small talk. I hate just talking about the weather or any type of surface level stuff so mingling at a party with a whole bunch of people that aren’t “my people” just isn’t fun for me. When I do appear at these events it is only a matter of time before I trap you in a corner after my second drink with the intention of “let’s just cut the shit” and head straight into some deep meaningful life chats because as much as I love your kids, I really don’t care who their teacher is this year or what grade their reading level is at. Sorry.
By not cancelling plans I also am honouring myself too. What I mean by this is, I used to revolve my social life around my husbands schedule. Not because I needed him home to watch the kids, we don’t have children together so every other weekend our kids are gone to their other parents. I used to revolve my schedule so that if he was busy I would make plans, but if for some reason he was not busy, I would be certain to make sure my schedule was free and clear. I would do this whether we had plans or not. Seriously, I would make sure my schedule was clear just in case we wanted to make plans. JUST IN CASE!! And you know what would happen??? He would get busy puttering around the house, or settle in to watch the football game and I would be sitting there, pissed off because I could have made plans and I didn’t.
I had no one to blame but myself. So now, I make plans that are fun for me, and if it means missing out on some last minute idea that hubs had for us to do together, I politely decline, unless of course it is something super cool in which case I would weigh out my options, but ultimately I do what suits me because I am my main priority and doing things that bring me joy is my only focus.
My next secret to loving myself ties in to the last one and that is Infinite You. Infinite You is my healing business, but more importantly, it is my passion. I started this business as a way of healing people, healing them from their own misery and working with them to find their ultimate joy. I have made it my mission to address the epidemic that affect women in today society. To heal them from their past hurts, to teach them to be kinder and gentler with themselves, and to help them get on their own path of self discovery and self love. This work fills my soul in ways I cannot even begin to describe and it has been profound in helping me with my own healing as well. I am continuously taking courses and learning new healing techniques to not only help myself but to share and help my clients as well. Following this passion has not only helped me help so many others, but it also has helped me in finding myself and creating a life that’s just for me, it allows me to connect with like minded souls and create connections with people who love the magic and the mystery of the universe as much as I do.
Lastly, although I do use that term loosely because the list itself is endless, I speak my truth. I say what’s on my mind and I don’t hold back. I say what’s in my heart even if I’m afraid of getting hurt, because I have learned that not speaking my truth is far more damaging then allowing myself to speak from the heart. Although I do tend to sugarcoat things on occasion it’s only because I am aware of what people are willing to hear and what they are not, so although my message will always be honest, it will also always be kind. I say what I feel because its important for me to honour those feelings, they have validity in my life and by ignoring them I am only adding to the walls. Sometimes it’s opening up and being vulnerable with whats in my heart, and sometimes its a kick in the ass that you might not want to hear but need to for your own growth. Either way I will always express what I’m feeling even if it is a little uncomfortable.
Although the list goes on and on, these are just some of the baby steps I took toward loving myself more. It may look different for you and that’s ok. We are different people who have experienced different heartache in our lives so what works for me might not work for you. Ultimately though, you must be honest with yourself, if not with anyone else at least be honest with yourself. You can discover some serious insight in to who you are by just taking the time to address your emotions rather then protecting yourself from them. Work towards rebuilding your relationship with yourself before you attempt to rebuild your relationship with anyone else. It is by having your own back and realizing that you are whole just as you are, and that nothing added to you can make you any better, and nothing taken away can make you any worse. When you love yourself you become safe from heartache, because you just know that no matter what happens, you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way like a mother fucking boss!
Don’t allow your love for yourself to be dependent on any one or any thing, that just gives away your power. Happiness is an inside job, and it starts with loving yourself first.