We’ve all been there before, someone you loved or cared about did or said something that betrayed your trust. Maybe you’ve been cheated on, lied to, or gossiped about by someone you never thought would hurt you.
It’s a terrible feeling for sure, and depending on your relationship with said person it can feel anywhere from slightly annoying to feeling like your entire world is crashing down around you.
It’s happened to the best of us, we experience this pain, anger, disappointment, frustration, whatever the case may be and it becomes so intense that we actually lock these emotions in our body without even realizing. We feel them so deeply that they become trapped and a part of who we are. It affects us in ways we aren’t consciously aware of, the emotions stay trapped within your subconscious and these emotions are what begin to run the show…… if were not careful.
The first boy I every really loved broke my heart. He was older, and was considered to be a “player” but I didn’t care, he chose me, he loved me, and I believed I would be different. High school was a lot of fun for me, but OMG you could not pay me enough to go back and do it over again. A lot of people experience heartbreak in their teenage years and although I could say now, in hindsight, that the relationship would obviously never amount to anything, my 16 year old self would have argued that he was the one and our love was something special! I was so cute!
This guy in particular didn’t just break my heart when he broke up with me for another girl, but when I took him back 6 months later because I thought things were different, he ended up proving me wrong on every level imaginable and that, became my reference point for some serious trust issues in the future.
Let me paint the picture for you. He and I, we go to different high schools. Rumour has it that he kissed another girl at his school. He of course denies it and I obviously believe him, I mean, he said he would NEVER do that to me. I get mad at all the people starting these ridiculous fake rumours, including the girl who claimed it to be true. I decide to confront her about it and not only call her a liar but I think made some extremely unkind references as to why he would never be interested in “someone like her”. I was such a bitch. A pretty naive bitch, but a bitch none the less. I felt embarrassed, and instead of looking at the validity of what was happening, I thought embarrassing her would make me feel better. It didn’t. It actually just made me look stupid to be honest, but I couldn’t see that at the time. Fast forward a few months and Mr Right comes to me one morning saying we need to talk. We all know how those convos go, especially in high school!! I skip first period and meet for coffee and he tells me. “A few weeks ago, I hooked up with, (let’s call her Sarah), and now she’s pregnant”. You guys, Sarah wasn’t even the same girl I had confronted months earlier, this was a DIFFERENT girl. I was devastated, I don’t really know for sure how I didn’t see that one coming other then 16 year old me was naive AF. Turns out, Sarah wasn’t actually pregnant, it was a little scare which I’m pretty sure was her way of making sure I would find out about their little rendezvous. If I remember correctly, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I still forgave him, I forget how the rest of our relationship unfolded to be honest with you, all I know is that eventually, way too long down the road, I mustered up enough self respect to kick him to the curb once and for all and he of course, was somehow in shock.
The reason I’m telling you this is not to bring up old high school drama, although it does seem pretty entertaining at this point, but because this experience left such an imprint on me that I carried it with me in to every relationship I started going forward. I didn’t mean to, I actually didn’t even realize I was until I became an adult and started reflecting on my past.
But I did, I carried this sense of betrayal with me, it was something that had hurt me so deeply that without even knowing, I had buried deep within my subconscious which meant it stuck with me, and it took the drivers seat anytime I began a new relationship.
The interesting thing is, that as I do reflect back and think about every bad relationship I have ever had, the betrayal didn’t begin with them, it always began with me. Not because I was cheating or lying or anything like that, but because I was betraying myself, my own sense of integrity, the essence of who I really was. I had turned my back on myself in almost every relationship I started. Changing and manipulating who I was in order to be loveable in the eyes of my partner. Now sure, they also betrayed my trust and hurt my heart, but ultimately, by me not honouring who I really was I was basically just setting the standard of how I should be treated and might as well of been giving them permission to betray me too. I mean really, If I didn’t love me enough not to hurt me, how could they???
You see, we are on this earth, living this life to learn and grow and evolve as people. I didn’t realize at the time but the universe had been trying to teach me the lesson of self love since I was quite young. Problem was, I kept failing the test over and over again, relationship after relationship until finally, in my 30’s it started to click.
When the Universe delivers us a lesson, we simply cannot move forward until we have learned. So in the case of my high school boyfriend I can only imagine it went a little something like this.
Universe; This relationship is going to test and challenge your self love. He will hurt you and and try and break you but if you love yourself enough you will see the signs in advance before it happens.
Me; OMG he’s soooooo dreamy, I just love him
Universe; He’s going to break up with you and try and come back, this is your turn to stand tall
Me; Of course I’ll take you back, I’ve only spent the last 6 months crying over you
Universe; He’s going to kiss another girl, this is your chance to take control of your life and demand better
Me; No way that happened. He loves me so much and would never hurt me…. Again.
Universe; He’s going to think he got a girl pregnant so he’s forced to admit he cheated, love yourself enough to move on.
Me; OMG I feel so bad for him, I mean, I’m upset he did that to me, but like, he’s going to be a teenage dad, he really needs me right now
Universe: *face palm*, alright, let’s try this again.
And so the cycle continued, epic fail after epic fail!
You see, the universe doesn’t get mad, it just continues to present you with the lesson until we can pass. In my case, it took about 20 years!!!
I repeated this lesson over and over again, so it was really no surprise when my husband and I were falling apart, that I was here again, faced with the same scenarios of my past. Let’s face it, although I was able to move on from these relationships I never really healed or evolved as a person, I just moved forward, bringing all my emotional baggage with me.
Now you could argue with me that when it comes to the situation between my husband and I that nothing really changed, I still forgave him and took him back so how am I really any further ahead? And I would agree with you. Because when I chose to forgive him I was still the same insecure 16 year old girl stuck inside my 20 something year old body. The difference is, that this time, going forward, who I was at my very core was about to change forever.
Our experience forced me to look at my life, at my patterns, at what I was creating. Life wasn’t happening to me, I was creating it and all the negative trapped emotions from my past were running the show. I kept experiencing betrayal because I wasn’t being true to myself. I was betraying my highest self in the choices that I was making. I was losing who I was with each and every relationship and at the end of the day, the biggest betrayal I had ever experienced had ultimately come from myself.
I began to create a life for myself that was no longer dependent on the people around me. I began to look within to create the happiness and love I was longing for rather than trying to create it with something or someone outside of me. I promised myself that never again will I compromise who I am in order to appease someone else.
My life as I knew it was about to change in ways I likely couldn’t even have fathomed at the time. Looking back as to where I was compared to where I am now, I don’t think I would have ever even dreamed of being here right now, and not in the physical sense of my job and my lifestyle, although thats pretty great too, but I mean here, in my mind, which is a much happier place then its ever been.
My husband and I joke all the time that if we were to go on a first date right now we might not give each other a second. We are both so very different, but we are also both so grateful for what each other contributes to the other in our differences. We compliment each other in ways that we never could before by embracing our differences, our uniqueness, our good and not so good qualities. We have found ourselves through our challenges and although our lives are still very different, we always check in to make sure that as we both continue to explore our own paths, that at our core, we are still growing together while remaining true to ourselves and our own unique journey.
Life is funny, and terrifying and exciting and heart wrenching all at the same time. The universe is still always delivering lessons to me. I know this and embrace it as I know it is part of my growth, but when it comes to betrayal, I learned to never turn my back on myself, to believe in who I am at my very core and to never lose sight of my own joy. I learned that I am whole, just as I am, and that I have every thing inside me already to truly live my best life and no one can take that away from me. It might have taken 20 years and who knows how many tests, but I can finally say, when it comes to this one, I finally passed!