I’m going to let you in on a little secret today, and it might even come as a shock to you, but I think it’s really important that you understand what I am about to say.
I am NOT perfect
I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, what with my colourful language, my lack of filter and my tendency to indulge in one too many adult beverages, it’s a surprise to most really!
But let me be serious for a minute, and let this really sink in, because not only am I not perfect, I am sooooo far from it.
Now I’m not trying to brag, or show off my bad assery in telling you this, but what I am trying to do is address the fact that we are all way to goddam hard on ourselves and that shit HAS TO stop.
I started this blog as a way of communicating my struggles, my hardships, and basically the fucked up-ness that I have experienced throughout my life and was fortunate enough to transform from my own personal slice of hell into, what I would call a pretty magical existence.
The reason I did all this, the reason I have aired my dirty laundry on a public platform is to illustrate that life is far from perfect sometimes, that shit happens and the fairy tale that we might have all once had in our head doesn’t exist the way we think it should and that is OK.
The other reason I share what I do, is to show you, that you’re not as fucked up as you think you are, and this my friends is going to be the most powerful thing you might learn all day.
For reals, you’re not. And here’s why. We are all fucked up in our own way. True story. We all have experienced our share of shit whether it be through a fucked up childhood, traumatic teenage years, or questionable choices we made in adulthood. It really doesn’t matter what your story is at the end of the day, what matters is that you realize you are not alone.
The majority of my clients come to me because they are struggling in one way or another, and the fact of the matter is, most of their struggles all boil down to one root cause. Confidence.
Reason being, because nobody talks about the fucked up things we tell ourselves inside our own head. It’s rarely talked about. Hardly ever.
Think about it for a second, say you’re at a party with friends and you say something that you think is funny but no one laughs. I do this all the time, mainly because I think I am way funnier in my own head then I am out loud. So you put yourself out there and people don’t respond the way you had hoped. Usually the conversation changes, you feel like an idiot, and everyone in your company has forgotten about it within minutes, if they even noticed it at all.
But not you, nope. You decide to dwell on it, to tell yourself you’re a loser, that you’re not funny, that your friends probably don’t even like you. You tell yourself this in your head and stew on it because thats how a lot of our brains are hardwired. But the problem is, because we don’t talk about this part of our minds, we don’t have anyone telling us we are overreacting, there is no one disagreeing and trying to convince you otherwise, so…… we just go with it, believing what we’ve been telling ourselves must be true.
This is just one example but really, the potential shit talking opportunities are endless for our internal dialogue. You screw up at work, playing sports, making the first move on a date, there are no limits to finding ways to put ourselves down and I have a serious issue with that.
I am sorry in advance if I sound a little intense around this subject, its because I am. Far too often we get lost in this vicious cycle of telling ourselves we suck when in fact we are just blowing up an entire situation by stewing about it in our heads.
So let me ask you something, this whole beating yourself up thing, is it working for you?? I mean really, does it make you feel better? Does it inspire you to do better? Does it really help in any way shape or form??
Hell no, and yet, we just cant seem to help ourselves.
So here’s what I need for you to remember, we all mess up, we all make mistakes and we all have that miserable little voice inside our heads reminding us about it, but that is not the voice of your highest self, and furthermore, you’re not the only one who is struggling with that.
I taught my son about confidence at a very young age, he was struggling in school with taking initiative, answering questions when called on, and getting frustrated and shutting down when put on the spot. I was so confused, I had always tried to be encouraging, I felt like I was a really supportive and optimistic kind of mom, and yet, here I was, with my 6 year old who was constantly doubting himself and afraid of “getting it wrong”. The first aspect to this is that my own little voice started running ramped. I’m not doing a good enough job as a mom, did I put too much pressure on him? What did I do to make him feel so insecure? The shit that went through my head at that time was pretty disheartening, but thankfully I quickly realized that this wasn’t about me, it was about him and how he was struggling.
I was able to talk to him about where this all stemmed from and at the root of it all he was afraid of being laughed at. To this day I have no idea where this came from, although I do believe it is a natural part of development. I talked to him about that mean voice inside our heads and I could see in his face that he was totally relieved.
“You have it too?” He asked.
“Oh Honey”, I said “We ALL have it, its mean, and a total bully, and if we don’t stand up to it, it will spend the rest of our lives trying to bully us into thinking were something were not”
This was a game changer for him. It was as if him realizing that we all struggle with this gave him the hope that he could overcome it. Like I had given him permission to stand up to his inner bully and do whatever it takes to shut that jerk down.
Now I know firsthand that this is not an easy task, and I would be lying if I said that eventually that internal shit talk goes away, it doesn’t. But it does get quieter.
Changing your mindset is not easy, I wish I could say that it was, but it is most definitely worth the efforts in the long run.
I am currently working with a young man who is incredibly hard on himself and I recently called him out on it, it sounds bitchy, but my intentions were coming from a very loving place!!! I called him out because he was so used to functioning from this space that he didn’t even realize he was doing it. It was the most natural thing in the world for him to just berate himself in a way that most people wouldn’t be with their worst enemies. We spent a few sessions discussing the things that he struggles with, the story he tells himself and ways to overcome it and before long I got the most amazing message from him. He said “I was really starting to get down on my self when XYZ happened, but then, I just remembered everything you have said and that you would probably give me shit for thinking the way I was and so I was able to turn it around”
You guys, this is legit the best compliment I could ever get, he was able to drown out that inner bully with his inner Jenn and really, how does it get better then that??!!
My point here, is not to pat myself on the back, but to get in YOUR mind and to remind you that you too, have what it takes to tap into your inner Jenn, or what I otherwise like to call “New You vs Old You”
Old you is the one who lets the bully run the show, who listens, believes, and takes that assholes opinion at face value. New You is the one who shuts that bitch down and tells him/her their opinion of you is no longer welcome. New you is the stronger voice and remembers that old you will try and come back and run the show, but New You no longer has room for that version of who you used to be.
When you can start to shift your perspective to this way of thinking it’s amazing the results you can create just by simply reminding yourself that you no longer wish to function from this old mentality. It seems so simple yet it can be incredibly profound.
Simply tell yourself and make the demand that you’re done, you’re done beating yourself up, judging yourself, and that you’re done with this bullshit way of thinking. Decide that your thoughts are changing starting now and understand that there will be hiccups but know that you can be the stronger voice. Imagine the barriers you could break though if you could just become a little kinder to yourself.